An unrepentant David Hackney confronts the
press corps following his brutal assault on the defenceless shark

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Blood everywhere following ferocious shark attack at Royal Academy of Arts 


By our arts editor Moby Dickhead

A shark was mortally wounded at the Royal Academy of Arts in London this week when a retired swimming pool attendant from East Yorkshire unleashed a brutal and unprovoked assault on the defenceless creature.

The shark, known by its keeper as Damien, was caught unawares when the pool attendant, a Mr David Hackney, formerly of Los Angeles and now living in Bradford, went for its jugular wielding a paintbrush, an iPad and a Zippo lighter.

There was little sympathy for the shark following the attack. "It's a revolting creature that has terrorised the art world for years," said Mr Brian Sewer, a well-known art critic who witnessed the bloodbath.

Removing a pound of ripe plums from his mouth outside the Royal Academy, Mr Sewer described how the ageing pool guy went crazy, lashing out at the mild-mannered shark with a torrent of aggressive invective. "There was blood everywhere and flies... oh the flies... the flies were hovering all over the rotting corpse of the shark and there were cigarette ends everywhere. It was like one of them vanitas paintings that reminds you of your own death. Fortunately there was a medicine cabinet nearby so we all stuffed amphetamines in our mouths and made a run for it. It was like an abbattoir in there."

Later a team of men in white coats arrived and bundled the chain-smoking assailant into the back of a van as staff from Sotheby's set about salvaging what they could of the injured shark. "The Ukrainians will buy anything," said Tobias Moolah as he wiped a smear of formaldehyde from his £10,000 Savile Row suit.