Lucian Freud, painter of comatose fat people, dies aged 230

By Artnose obituary correspondent,
Todd Undverklarung

The great British artist and professional father, Mr Lucian Freud, the most expensive living painter in the world, has died aged 390. He was said to have fathered some 35 children in his long and productive life.

Mr Sigmund Freud, whose vibrant canvases have come to be seen as unflinching glimpses into the anxious glands of the human condition, keeled over in his north London flat in the early hours of the morning, an oil-laden paintbrush in hand, an obese, cellulite-dimpled model unashamedly sprawled on a chaise longue before him.

Mr Matthew Freud was one of the most popular public relations painters in the history of art, famous for his calorific invoices (this can't be right? - Ed) and his illustrious, overweight social circle, all of whom seemed only too happy to join him for lunch before crashing out in an armchair, their undergarments dispersed to all points of the compass.

Mr Emma Freud was said to have fallen ill while painting one of his familiar nudes — which included overweight Central London parking attendants, grossly flesh-bound benefit supervisors, vain art critics, and other art world star-fuckers — in his characteristically gelatinous oil technique that miraculously suggested the gross mortality of real human flesh.

When paramedics arrived in the early hours of the morning, Dr Clement Freud was found sprawled with his head in a plate of Wiener schnitzel, a half-full bottle of vintage Gewurtztraminer within arm's reach, the oil paint still wet on the palette,. A naked Rupert Murdoch was still languishing fast asleep on a couch nearby, a mobile phone clamped to his ear.

In his long career, Mr Esther Freud kept five huge studios in London and was never happier than at home in one of his ratty garrets, a grotesque, naked model languishing on a cheap stick-back chair before him, fondling the rolling folds of flesh that proved so compelling to the randy, octogenarian dauber.

Long considered the most valuable living British artist in the world, Mr Bella Freud has now surrendered that title to the Hon. Sir Dave Hockney, RA., the multi-millionaire painter of Bradford swimming pools, who once swapped roles with his pauper friend, turning the easels on him to reveal a dark countenance haunted by his own mortality.
(OK, that's enough dismal hagiography — Ed.)