Sunflower Solitary:
Cooking for One with Ai Weiwei

Finally released from his seemingly interminable solitary confinement at the hands of the cruel totalitarian Chinese authorities, legendary revolutionary artist and chef Ai Weiwei now shares the recipes he devised while languishing in his tiny cell in Beijing.

Using only a small Han Dynasty wok, an Anish Kapoor-designed wooden spoon and several tons of sunflower seeds, Ai conjures up a myriad of delicious recipes, including Sunflower Soup, Sunflower Sausages, Sunflower Spaghetti, Sunflower Sandwiches, Sunflower Stroganoff and Sunflower Surprise (contains no sunflower seeds).

Published by Tate publishing, 3 billion yuan plus post and peking

Cultural Property Cluedo with Jimmy Cuno
An updated version of the popular country-house murder board game.

Join James ‘Universal Soldier’ Cuno as he tracks down pesky cultural property retentionists in some of the world’s most obscure backwaters. Will he batter the bonces of barking mad Beninists in the drawing-room with his length of African lead piping? Will he murder miserable Maqdalaists in the dining-room with his 14th century jewel-encrusted Ethiopian dagger? Can you stop him garotting Greek Marble-whingeing anti-Elginists in the study? Fun for all the family, not just the bleeding-heart pinko liberal nationalists.

$6000 plus p&p (includes free cylinder seal smuggled by a real US marine out of Baghdad).

The Damien Hirst Billionaire's Guide
to Art & Authenticity
        
Don’t miss the new, third edition (a copy of the earlier plagiarized second edition) of this now standard reference work on how to dodge lawsuits brought by former friends who can’t stomach the fact that you’ve been successful and they haven’t. With an introduction by leading celebrity accountant Frank Dumbfounded.

$300,000 (plus buyer’s premium)

Turner Tat!

Make your own Turner Prize installation in the comfort of your own home. Ideal gift for cultural couch-potatoes everywhere. At last! If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! No need to traipse down to Ye Olde Tate Britain to see incomprehensible crap made by pretentious plonkers calling themselves artists. Kit comes complete with a range of authentic materials of the kind used by real Turner Prize winners, including dodgy light bulb, stepladder, prosthetic penis, toupée, department-store mannekins, garden shed, a ton of shrink-wrapped elephant dung, six used tampons, a dead cow and several hundred meters of garden hose. Get cracking folks! Have a laugh! Be a contemporary artist! Win that Prize!

£3.99. (Deluxe edition £4.25)

The Encyclopaedia of Baltic Directors

The complete and comprehensive 100-volume edition

Clad in sumptuous, 22-carat gold, hand-tooled marmoset-skin, containing a full alphabetical and chronological index of every former director of Gateshead’s storied Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art since its opening in 2002, plus exhaustive illustrated biographical data on each illustrious former incumbent and the lessons they learned by getting involved with Britain's largest and most dreary civic white elephant outside London.

Free, while stocks last (includes 10-year season ticket to Newcastle United)

Marion True – It’s All True: My Story

The heart-rending, first-hand account of the thrilling, nail-biting trials and tribulations of the gorgeous, pouting, former head of the Getty Museum’s Antiquities department. A hair-raising, white-knuckle ride through the vortex of Italian cultural bureaucracy followed by a head-spinning account of Maid Marion's courageous, 20-year struggle to clear her name of all besmirching association with many of the most venal criminals that ever stalked the museum world’s dubious corridors of power. Get the paper tissues ready, guys, this will have you blubbing in seconds. It's a stonking page-turner!

“Lachrymose” – The New York Times. “Side-splitting” – Gynaecology Monthly. “They hooked a biggun!” – Angling Times. “Marion the Mob! (Geddit?)” – Art Crime Digest.

£2000 (Free ancient Greek kouros from Swiss private collection with every three hundred thousand copies ordered)

The Montebello Years: An American Legacy in Song

New York Metropolitan Museum lounge-bar warbler Lee Babyboom sings timeless hits from the treasured Montebello Songbook.

Double-disk CD, including ‘You’ve Lost That Euphronius Feeling', ‘Send in the Goons’, ‘They Can’t Take That Away From Me’. Plus bonus track of rare live recording of 'Non, je ne regrette rien’ performed by the Universal Quartet, featuring the voice of De Montebello accompanied by James Cuno on piano, Neil MacGregor on bass, and Henri Loyrette on drums. Recorded at New York’s famous Hoving Jazz Club in 2001.

$350 (includes free life membership of UNESCO)